Today I attended a Staff Meeting at work.  I missed last week because I just couldn't come out of the fog.  I told everyone that I was really screwed up bad and that I've been disassociating.  I've lost time.  I know that it's been at least a week because last Tuesday my Boss called me to ask if I was coming to work and if I was okay.  I remember the phone call.  That's about it.  Other than that, I don't remember much since the event. 

I'm not the only one who's in crisis.  There are at least 3 of us who are just barely hangin' on right now for various reasons.  I'm really glad that no one is trying to pressure me into performing.  But they are trying hard to help me to get into a safe place to live.  They know that I won't be able to get out in front of the wheels of this thing at all until I have a safe retreat at the end of the day.  My Boss's Boss told me that she's never seen anyone go down so hard and fast than when I moved back in with my Mom. 

I've been spending alot of time prowling for sex, actually.  Because it's the only thing that's safe to feel.  Thank God I haven't gotten myself into some big trouble.  Yesterday I finally came down off the hyper-vigilant, neurotransmitter manic high and crashed.  I got home from work and fell asleep on the couch.  I couldn't even stay awake long enough to eat dinner.  And I was so cold.  To cold to take off my coat.  I woke up around 8pm and sat in front of the TV like a vegetable.  I totally missed my meditation meeting.  But it is unlikely I would have been able to engage the feeling anyway.  It's being held down too deep and too tight.  It's too dangerous to feel all that.  Anonymous sex seems safer.  I guess it's in a totally different part of the brain. 

Looking back, this explains alot about my life.  It explains why the trauma kept getting worse and worse and perpetuating itself.  I kept trying to get away from the primary people who were hurting me.  Trying to find someone I could trust.  Even a criminal seems more trustworthy than the people I had been close to up until that time.  I just couldn't believe that people who I loved that powerfully and viscerally would hurt me the way the others did.  If they could just see how much I could love, they would not keep hurting me.  It's an infantile logic kind of thing. 

It's really hard to write, right now.  I can't stay with it.  Sorry.

...had two of the micro-brew and I'm feeling pretty loose.

I just asked what it takes to make a sweeter beer and it was pretty complicated.  At least it was too complicated for a drunk person to understand...  something about the "Mash" and the temperature.  If the temp is higher, it's sweeter, if not, then not.  I'll have to ask him again.

LOL

I SO can't type!!  It took me a long time to type that correctly.  So, I better quit.  HOWEVER!  I just wanna say that  the bar is alive and well, and if I meet someone right now, I'm not gonna complain. 

I was able to catch the brewmeister's brother and ask him.  He actually made a phone call to answer my question.  I love this bar.  More than I can say.  This is a particular kind of home for me.

The band is warming up.  This laptop is about to run out of juice.  I'd better go upstairs and plug in. 

Or I can go back "home". 

Can I get a witness?

I don't wanna go home.  I wanna feel free. 

I left work early today because I was so overwhelmed by a meeting with the "client" who is triggering me at the moment.  I was so grateful to be able to do that.  My job is so great.... for a mentally ill person...  which is the whole point.  We are paid to get well.  Not "be" well, but actually "get" there.  The journey is more important.  How many of us are  waiting to arive before we feel good enough to join the herd? 

Huh?

How 'bout you?

I just had a quick convo with my Daughter this morning on her way to work and she told me about a convo she had with her pseudo-ex b/f last night.  It was fantastic. 

In her own way, she mirrored back to him his sense of entitlement.  She told him not to take this as a value judgment, but just a neutral statement of fact: that the reason he was such a happy person was because he based all of his decisions on whether or not it would make him happy.  That he based his decision to dump her months ago on that.  And that he was happy as a result.

And that the reason she was not as happy a person as he has been is because she doesn't do that.  She based all her decisions while they were going together on whether or not it would make them both happy.  That if she had been more like him, she would have pre-empted the strike and dumped him first because she instinctively knew he had been with someone else. 

She added that one of the side-effects of his form of decision making is that she was hurt.  Obviously, since that wasn't part of his consideration, it is natural that this would be so. 

Can you say: "Ayn Rand"?

She also added that regardless of whether or not he claimed to be happy about all that, he still obsessed about cheating on her and how crappy that was.  LOL  Whether this is a result of repressing the "natural" and "good" sense of entitlement or really buying into the idea that it is also "good" to take the happiness of others into consideration is beside the point.  The point is that he felt some remorse about what he did because he also wants to do right by others, regardless of his conflicting desire to be happy. 

I was quiet as she told me all this, because, frankly, I was revolted.  Feelings of nausea and disgust came up as she was describing her absolute lack of judgment towards him.  LOL  I'm so glad I didn't come down on her!  I can't wait until she gets home so we can talk about it and I can describe my discovery about the sense of entitlement, my commitment to feeling it without judging myself and my accompanying commitment to contain it until I can make good decisions about my behavior. 

This is huge.  I'm SO excited!

I'm so tired of this. 

I have 5 out of the 8 symptoms listed here.  No nausea or vomiting yet, and in the last two or three weeks, I think I've gained 10 pounds.  So, the weight loss hasn't really happened - yet.  And I realize that self-diagnosis is problematic, but I don't have the money to get a real one.  I'm usually right anyway with most of my stuff.  I'm not going to make too much noise about it though, I'm just going to try and quietly take care of myself as if I have one.  If I say anything to anyone, I'll attract alot of abuse and derision for being a hypochondriac. 

I am totally aware of what is going on here. 

I am surrounded by people who betray me on a regular basis and show no remorse.  And since I have no one to go to with my hurt/fear/anger, I come here and lay out the story to cyberspace - hoping to attract a care-giver (DO NOT RESPOND ACCORDINGLY! IT WILL NOT HELP ME!).  I'm regressing.  Thinking like a small child, it seems logical that if I seem desperately helpless, someone will come take care of me.  I have no normal attachments to go to for safety.  I never have.  And I never will.  The only person who is ever going to be able to keep me safe is myself.  And yet I have to be able to construct a semi-permeable boundary in order to not isolate myself completely.  And I have to accept some risk in relationships.  But those are a result of mental health, not a means to it. 

And I know that the solution is mostly an inside job, but right now it doesn't feel that way.  My mind won't stop obsessing on proving means, motive and opportunity in preparation for the Restraining Order hearing on December 1st. 

My stomach hurts so bad and I'm crying.  I remember feeling this way as a child. 

There is no resolution in the realm of the personal. 

I am aware of my feelings and impulses and I am containing them.  And I will contain them until I can discern an action that will harm no one. 



Incidentally, I had that convo with my Daughter today - it was a busy few days - and it went really well.  I think she gets the connection.  When I mentioned Ayn Rand, she recoiled.  I told her that instead of repressing like normal, I try to contain my sense of entitlement and bring the sense of entitlement that others have along side of it to temper it.  I think she sees that I can't compartmentalize.  I hope. 

Changing Minds dot org

I did a study on defense mechanisms.  Then I found one I hadn't really heard of and wanted to know more: Introjection.  So I googled it.  Then I got a link to this place.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

This guy seems to have an awareness of the implications of dispensing such information, and is conscientious in pointing out the problems with using it to exploit and hurt people.  Those who use it to harm will, themselves, come to harm. 

As I've been reading, my stomach is churning up a storm.  My "gut" reaction is so strong, I can hardly believe it.  This is bringing some things into my awareness which I have previously pushed out.  Especially this page.  Under distress, he forgets to mention "hurt" as one of the emotions felt.  I wonder why.  And it's interesting that he mentions "fear" of losing the relationship, but not fear of one's safety being compromised.  That's the kind of oversight I would make if I wasn't forcing myself to open my awareness.  I wonder if he's a victim himself...

When I followed the link to hysterisis, I found myself having mental blocks.  Serious ones.  I was finding it impossible to concentrate enough to read it.  I got up and paced around the room a few times.  The drawing was incomprehensible to me, even though it is simple enough for a 4th grader.  I had to make several passes at it. 

And the advertisements on the borders!!   OMG!!  Check this one out!  I can't even find the words to express how revolted I feel about that.  This is pure reptilian psychoanalysis.  Same feeling I got when my Daughter was telling me what she told her pseudo ex-b/f the other day.  And, if you'll notice, the final quote from the book at the bottom of the page is exactly the same ethic. 

I got an email this last week from a man.  I think it was from a man.  Maybe it was from some machine programmed to anticipate what I want and make an exaggerated claim to provide it.  But I felt so manipulated and ...  frankly, hunted.  I don't know how many men/people realize how badly this screws things up.  I'm not "excited" by this "approach".  I'm nauseated.  And I dissociate.  And I guess some people are counting on that, so they can flop me around like a rag-doll.  I really checked out after reading that.  It was horrible.  The guy from the Changing Minds site nailed it when he said, "repulsion at the lack of integrity".  God, it's hard to even think about it now...

And the ex-b/f just called again and left a voice-mail.  He just can't contain an awareness of my revulsion and rage.  All he sees is his own feelings.  And I found one of the things he is doing on the wiki page for defense mechanisms: Idealization. 

Interestingly, at the bottom  of that page was a source listed entitled: "Borderline Personality Disorder: Splitting Countertransference".  Reading it made me laugh.  Of all the people accused of this!  And yet, while I do have these impulses, I have neutralized most of them.  I fully recognize that people don't come in "good" and "bad" packages.  But since early childhood, I have used a counterweight system to dismiss and minimize my impulses and feelings instead of complexify them.  Now, I'm trying to deepen everything.  Make the universe safe for complexity.  LOL  Like it's up to me!  At any rate, I temper this.  But he doesn't.  He's just lettin' all his idealization of me hang out!  And then his repressed devaluation gets acted out behind my back.  That's what everyone has been doing to me all these years!  How am I supposed to deal with that?

I guess the article makes it pretty clear.  Which is only a fraction of what I've been reading about for dealing with Attachment Disorders.  Good mirroring and transparency.  But, clearly, a small child cannot be expected to do that for an adult, hense my fear cycle.  So, I have alot of work to do. 

I got a new book the other day at a local pagan shop.  It's called "City Magic: Urban Rituals, Spells and Shamanism" by Christopher Penczak.  I was delighted to find a book by a magician who accepted that humans and their creations are part of the "natural" world.  In it, he explains how to create magic in the things that normal people live with every day, like televisions and cars and the work environment.  No need to go to the forest and find a special stick, just go to the hardware store and get a piece of copper tubing.  Freakin' brilliant!

So, I just moved the futon out of the bedroom tonight and moved my weight bench in instead.  I'm looking for some guidance on how to create magic around strengthening myself.  Finding nothing, I realized that I was going to have to make it up as I went along.  But while I was reading, I felt my old pc reaching out to me, begging for some respect and honor.  It quit about a week ago, and hasn't booted up since.  I might be "dead".  So, I decided to clear a path and put some intention into it.  I started off by saying that I'll give it 24 hours to be non-compliant.  Then I realized how arrogant that is.  Soon, I was just saying I was sorry and that it has my full permission to die if it needs to and that I was very grateful for it's service over the years and for saving my life and on and on.  My attitude totally changed. 

It's been said that prayer doesn't just "change things", it changes the pray-er.  I'm starting to get it.  In fact, I'm really starting to get the gist of this whole thing. 

We live in a world of created things that surrender their service to us without making any demands.  That's pretty freakin' amazing.  And while I realize that they don't have any consciousness, I do.  And it really is my responsibility as an evolved human to acknowledge the service and contribution to human existence of every single thing in the Universe. 

It has been a humbling thing just to get this.  I feel a bit silly because I'm not superstitious.  But I am starting to realize how much my sense of entitlement has blinded me to what this Universe does to support me.  It bobs me on it's surface like a cork on water, preventing me from drowning.  How benevolent is that?

The Restraining Order didn't work.  I'm screwed. 

I finally called him tonight to tell him there's no hearing and no legal recourse for me if he bugs me, therefore I am now totally exposed and unprotected.  That no one is protecting me, not the law, my family, my friends or anyone else.  And does he realize just how desperate I'm going to get now that I'm on my own?

He didn't even listen.  He only waited for his chance to speak.  Begging.  Whining.  He wanted me to "reason with" him.  I tried to explain my position, but he won't hear it.  So I told him that it was him who was being unreasonable.  That he was not going to "do anything" for me.  That he was not going to "get his shit together" or change or "become whatever I wanted him to be".  He didn't listen.  Only waited for his turn to speak. 

I screamed at him to shut up and told him I hated him and would he just leave me the fuck alone. 

Totally irrelivant. 

I was ready to slit my wrists.

I've closed myself up in my room and I'm too humiliated to come out.  I'm starving.  I did some lifting to take the edge off my rage.  It worked, but now I'm shaking really bad.  I'm not going to die, but I've never been angry enough to do it before like that.  Scary. 

And he just doesn't get it. 

I have no choice but to expand and contain and use extreme measures when I can't.  I have a few people who are okay with me waking them up in the middle of the night.  But all I have is a phone call. 

And a blog.

I'll say one more thing and then I'll sign off.  I've been accused of being the one with the problem more times than I can count.  I have not given him any mixed messages or confused him with changing my mind since this went down however long ago.  I haven't wavered, stuttered or been unclear in any way.  But it doesn't matter.  When I ask for help from people, it never fails that they will tell ME to be strong or ask ME why I keep going back to him.  If anyone can see any reason why I shouldn't feel uncontrolable rage when this happens, I'd like them to come over here and tell me to my face.

I can't get the code to work in this format, so I can't post the little results dealybob they give you. But the results of this test were pretty fascinating and I think that I am somewhat of an anomaly.  I don't know quite what kind, but I definitely am strange.  I came out a 68 on the Empathizing and a 94 on the Systemizing.

http://www.eqsq.com/index.php

I think I know why I didn't score higher on the Empathizing test.  It's because I go into indifferent mode when I am extremely threatened.  And I have felt very threatened by the people around me lately.  So their effect on me is at the forefront of my mind right now. 

I know that I left this hanging and I'm sorry about that.  I'm so worn out by it all, and weary of the drama and the constant tidal fluctuations.  I hate that I have to report that things have calmed down...   again!  Good news?  Try again.  The up and down of it all is BAD NEWS!  Even the good news is not good news.  That's messed up.

The ex took some preliminary test for Asperger's and it came out very much in the affirmative.  He has to see a specialist to be sure. 

I don't know why I'm so embarassed about seeing this coming.  I guess my innocence is threatening to my Mom and I'm living with her at present. She could attack me for all this at any moment.  I am certain that she is very agitated and anxious.  I live within this constantly heavy atmosphere of importance that I be responsible for all my problems and unhappiness and difficulties.  I know fresh air exists.  I long to breathe it.  But I don't live near any.  I am too poor and ill to travel to find any. 

This possibility makes it absurd to pursue legal action against him.  It makes me wonder if all stalkers have Asperger's.  He has absolutely no fear of hurting me because he cannot feel my pain.  He only fears me hurting him more.  That's his world.  And it also makes me wonder how many stalkers are after people with Asperger's.  I'm reminded of the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".  The complete lack of empathy is enough to drive people with overly sensitive empathy monitors to kill.  I'm sure of it.

He needs to get help.  I can't help him.  It is too painful and frustrating for my damaged psyche.  But, unfortunately, few understand the oxytocin connection for Aspies like I do. 
They need it in order to stabilize mood and concentrate and learn.  Without it, they are in danger of becoming "Terminator"like.  And I don't know of any agencies that will integrate hugs and complete transference into their therapy methods.  It just isn't done.  It's too dangerous.  For obvious reasons.

I slept like a stone last night for the first time in a while.  And I let him come into the house and talk to me and Mom today for the first time in a while.  I required that he tell her.  He didn't want to.  In fact, it's even possible that he's lying about this just to get me to feel sorry for him.  That's the problem.  I can't really believe him because he has no fear of hurting or betraying me.  He only experiences me hurting him.  Whether it's Asperger's or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or a little of both, he cannot be trusted to take my comfort and safety into account.  I won't get near him again until he's deep in treatment and under the care of a professional.

I just watched "Memoirs of a Geisha" and am now in a profound gloom.  I honestly can't tell if it's normal to be so completely humiliated by such objectification.  Some people - especially young women these days - seem to revel in it.  I don't know.  I don't understand it.  I feel lost in this sea of impersonal game.  I've tried to describe how deeply degrading and horrible it is, but some people just go blank at such agony.  They don't seem to see it.

Couple this with a bit I read last week which took my breath away.  I guess he really believes that.  And I guess others do too.  I have a feeling that this despair is an ancient wound that women have been trained to bury deep underground lest they be shamed into silence.  Why would such unhappiness even exist if we weren't supposed to experience anything better?  What if the machine cannot contain higher aspirations, but the ghost can?  Surely we can't say that the ghost did not evolve.

I think people who don't have any remorse about this kind of objectification haven't personally grown souls yet.  I just can't see any other explanation.  Why is this a confession?  Because saying these things makes me more vulnerable.  Somehow. 

The other day I decided that one is never weaker than when one is involved in a power struggle.  Even if one is the "stonger" of the combatants.  Struggle is weakness.  And this makes me feel weak.  I'm so tired of being beaten.

I can't remember what I've recorded here.  Some of it is so sensitive, and actually illegal.  So it's hard to discern what to do, especially on the fly.

Several months ago I was using the Restraining Order to keep this b/f from completely wrecking my life with his drama and self-centeredness.  He loves me, but it's a very needy love.  Okay.  As long as he was respecting my boundaries, I let him come see me once in a while.  No tales of woe and no begging for help or money.  Just enjoy each other for a few hours at a time, then say goodbye.  As long as he complied, it was okay. 

Then one day I got a new client/friend at work who had Asperger Syndrome.  No big deal.  Until I noticed how many things that she had in common with my b/f.  The list began to grow so long I lost count.  They dreampt the same, chattered the same, laughed the same, couldn't empathize the same, obsessed the same, vented and blamed the same, on and on and on...  So, one day I braced myself and told the b/f that I thought he might have brain damage.  I cried.  It was rough.  His face turned inside out.  He can't tolerate medical discussions or talk of being damaged or diseased.  It couldn't have been worse.  But he couldn't shake the logic and he promised to get checked as soon as possible. 

After a while, my client/friend and b/f want to meet each other.  I think it's a good idea, but I want to supervise.  We meet for lunch.  But this is covert because he is still under a Restraining Order.  I don't tell my boss or people at work.  I want them to have deniability.  If I got in trouble, I wanted it all to fall on me.  They were out of the loop.  The lunch went well.  They were funny to watch together.  Both very nervous and the conversation was very strained, but they laughed and got scared and saw themselves in each other. 

A few weeks go by and I have a difficult time with my client/friend, so I bring it up with the b/f because I want his input.  He offers to talk with her.  I accept the offer.  I believe his head is cool enough at this time to do a good job.  I set up the lunch.

They have lunch, but something goes wrong.  He calls to complain of something she said and she calls to complain about something he said.  But when I hear about "what he said", I am totally taken for a ride.  She lies.  He is painted to be a Monster who is angry and blames me for all his troubles and doing drugs and sleeping around.  It is close enough to the truth that I believe the possibility.  I believe that before I believe that she'd lie.  But I am not sure of either.  And this creates a zone of impossibility. 

I tell my supervisor and go to the Courthouse and to a Battered Women's Shelter and then home to tell my Mom.  He calls me and calls me but I don't answer the phone.  I can't trust him.  Nor do I trust my client/friend.  My Mom doesn't believe he would do those things.  She doesn't respect my delicate position.  He calls her and she tells him that I won't speak to him.  He is in a frenzy of calling and wants to come over.  I manage to find another place to sleep that night.  He calls my Mom and she consoles him. 

Days go by with no solutions.  Weeks.  My client/friend thinks I should be her best friend now because she helped me see "the truth" about this guy and wants something better for me.  I see through her posturing to the obvious motive.  But I can't prove it either way.  I can't stand to be in the same room with her, but I am still working with her and trying to help her.  She is frustrated that I won't get close to her anymore and don't want her to call me.  She gets mad at me.  I supress violent urges.  He won't stop calling and sending notes or talking for hours with my Mother.  He stops me on the street, at work, at the grocery store.  The Restraining Order won't work, so the police won't protect me.  I have no power to keep him away.

Then one day, the b/f lets me know that his preliminary test for AS was positive.  And this changes things.  I lose my fear of him.  Now, the one I'm mainly afraid of is my client/friend. 

And then another day, we're talking and I mention that I think she manipulated the story and lied to me about the lunch.  She cops to it immediately.  And two hours later, I have a full confession.  She had slandered him just so she could have me to herself.  I even have it in writing and signed, so it could potentially be libel.  If the Restraining Order had gone through and I had used that in Court, then it would have been.  I carefully restrained my anger as she told me everything.  I recognize that she cannot understand the true weight of her behavior.  It seems like a schoolyard prank to her.

I go home and immediately call the b/f.  He comes over and I tell him everything.  He sits at my feet and shamelessly weeps.  I appologize profusely and cannot contain my relief that it's over and grief over what has been done to him.  My Mom is also relieved, but manages to blame my boss for sticking up for me.  She also tells me that it's partly my fault for not giving him clear messages when I'd had enough of his crappy behavior.  My sun had risen for about 20 minutes, then promptly set again.  I email my boss and supervisor and tell them what happened. 

He and I go get a room at a local motel and sleep soundly for the first time in a month.  Screw everybody else.  I arrive late to work the next day and tell everyone.  My boss is tense.  Others are flabbergasted over the absurd drama.  I get everyone's input on how to prevent this from happening ever again. 

Things are better now with my client/friend and my b/f.  I hope to have time someday to sue the Court system.  They were fantastically unhelpful and lame.  Just amazingly useless!  But she has written a formal appology and he is processing it all and not as angry as he may have been had I not helped him see himself in her.  I could write an entire book on what has transpired in the last 6 months.  And it would change things.  Much like Virginia Tech should have and 9/11 did.  I'm sure others have done so, but for some reason, slander is not as important as terrorism or murder, and if I'm not careful, just telling this story here could get me in trouble. 

Holy crap!  What a ridiculous pile of drama!  Why do I have to be involved in this junk?  Can't people just freakin' let me be??!!!

So, I'm back with him to support him in his quest to get the help he needs and stop being the scapegoat of society.  And I'm back to being able to concentrate on getting housed.  It's not paralizing to be in the same house as my Mom anymore because I can feel how pathetically blind she is.  I can be present. 

There was no short way to tell that story.  I'm sorry for those who only have a few minutes to read blogs.  I hope things will go more quickly now.