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abuse
July 2008 
I Think My Ulcer is Back
Posted on Nov 10th, 2007
by 
Woman, Interrupted
Woman, Interrupted
I'm so tired of this.
I have 5 out of the 8 symptoms listed here. No nausea or vomiting yet, and in the last two or three weeks, I think I've gained 10 pounds. So, the weight loss hasn't really happened - yet. And I realize that self-diagnosis is problematic, but I don't have the money to get a real one. I'm usually right anyway with most of my stuff. I'm not going to make too much noise about it though, I'm just going to try and quietly take care of myself as if I have one. If I say anything to anyone, I'll attract alot of abuse and derision for being a hypochondriac.
I am totally aware of what is going on here.
I am surrounded by people who betray me on a regular basis and show no remorse. And since I have no one to go to with my hurt/fear/anger, I come here and lay out the story to cyberspace - hoping to attract a care-giver (DO NOT RESPOND ACCORDINGLY! IT WILL NOT HELP ME!). I'm regressing. Thinking like a small child, it seems logical that if I seem desperately helpless, someone will come take care of me. I have no normal attachments to go to for safety. I never have. And I never will. The only person who is ever going to be able to keep me safe is myself. And yet I have to be able to construct a semi-permeable boundary in order to not isolate myself completely. And I have to accept some risk in relationships. But those are a result of mental health, not a means to it.
And I know that the solution is mostly an inside job, but right now it doesn't feel that way. My mind won't stop obsessing on proving means, motive and opportunity in preparation for the Restraining Order hearing on December 1st.
My stomach hurts so bad and I'm crying. I remember feeling this way as a child.
There is no resolution in the realm of the personal.
I am aware of my feelings and impulses and I am containing them. And I will contain them until I can discern an action that will harm no one.
Incidentally, I had that convo with my Daughter today - it was a busy few days - and it went really well. I think she gets the connection. When I mentioned Ayn Rand, she recoiled. I told her that instead of repressing like normal, I try to contain my sense of entitlement and bring the sense of entitlement that others have along side of it to temper it. I think she sees that I can't compartmentalize. I hope.
I have 5 out of the 8 symptoms listed here. No nausea or vomiting yet, and in the last two or three weeks, I think I've gained 10 pounds. So, the weight loss hasn't really happened - yet. And I realize that self-diagnosis is problematic, but I don't have the money to get a real one. I'm usually right anyway with most of my stuff. I'm not going to make too much noise about it though, I'm just going to try and quietly take care of myself as if I have one. If I say anything to anyone, I'll attract alot of abuse and derision for being a hypochondriac.
I am totally aware of what is going on here.
I am surrounded by people who betray me on a regular basis and show no remorse. And since I have no one to go to with my hurt/fear/anger, I come here and lay out the story to cyberspace - hoping to attract a care-giver (DO NOT RESPOND ACCORDINGLY! IT WILL NOT HELP ME!). I'm regressing. Thinking like a small child, it seems logical that if I seem desperately helpless, someone will come take care of me. I have no normal attachments to go to for safety. I never have. And I never will. The only person who is ever going to be able to keep me safe is myself. And yet I have to be able to construct a semi-permeable boundary in order to not isolate myself completely. And I have to accept some risk in relationships. But those are a result of mental health, not a means to it.
And I know that the solution is mostly an inside job, but right now it doesn't feel that way. My mind won't stop obsessing on proving means, motive and opportunity in preparation for the Restraining Order hearing on December 1st.
My stomach hurts so bad and I'm crying. I remember feeling this way as a child.
There is no resolution in the realm of the personal.
I am aware of my feelings and impulses and I am containing them. And I will contain them until I can discern an action that will harm no one.
Incidentally, I had that convo with my Daughter today - it was a busy few days - and it went really well. I think she gets the connection. When I mentioned Ayn Rand, she recoiled. I told her that instead of repressing like normal, I try to contain my sense of entitlement and bring the sense of entitlement that others have along side of it to temper it. I think she sees that I can't compartmentalize. I hope.
Access: PublicTagged with: ulcer, tired, symptoms, self-diagnosis, money, abuse, hypochondriac, aware, betray, remorse, hurt, fear, anger, cyberspace, care-giver, regressing, child, helpless, attachments, safety, boundary, isolate, risk, result, mental health, means, solution, inside job, motive and opportunity, Restraining Order, stomach, crying, resolution, personal, feelings, impulses, containing, action, harm no one, convo, Daughter, Ayn Rand, repressing, entitlement, compartmentalize, hope
