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entitlement
July 2008 
Do Dreams Come True?
Posted on Dec 11th, 2007
by 
Woman, Interrupted
Woman, Interrupted
I just finished going through a phase of some pretty traumatic stuff at work. Much of it is related to my "symptom" of zero tolerance of certain forms of confrontation and feedback. I put "symptom" in quotes because from my perspective that "symptom" is projection of the Mental Health Professional's own zero tolerance of Dual Relationships, the Powerful's own zero tolerance of uppityness and the inability of the Traumatized to separate reality from their warped interpretation of the behavior of others. I feel smacked (figuratively), then I put up a hand to prevent a second blow and I'm called "resistant" or "reactive". That kind of manipulation would make anyone "crazy". And so I am. As are others who I work with and for.
Staff is going to adopt a form of communication that is well-known and commonly used in many organizations where sensitivity to Healing and/or mental illness is important. And this is largely because of me and my damage. My pain and "symptoms" around the Projection I mentioned above have increased to the point where it was endangering the safety of the Organization. I've been trying for a year to use my words to communicate, but have gotten pushed back even further each time, so they've finally decided to listen to my behavior instead of dismissing and punishing it. The result is we all now get to learn to talk to each other in clean, responsible language. I hope no one sees that as a loss or sacrifice.
[I'm feeling the impulse to to be sarcastic here, but out of respect for one of my readers, I will restrain myself. ;-) ]
And the biggest part of this is that the "Leader" (my Boss) has been the "#1 Offender" at all that Projection and warped interpretation and power plays and manipulation. The size of his offense, is, unfortunately, partly due to his Position. It's not Personal. And his Position does a real mind-trip on him too. He takes professional disagreement personally when it doesn't need to be. There's alot of damage and trauma in there for him as well that I would love for him to separate out from his professional communication with me, but he's not willing to do that. Yet. So, up until this point, he has been dismissing my needs as being unreasonable expecations and practically abusive. But today he was willing to grant my request that he take the lead in asking the entire Staff to start to learn to do this kind of communicating.
OMG
!
Everything shifted at that point. Work suddenly became the doorway to a world of hope that I originally wished it to be. Having a "We-Space" that honors that need that I have is like being born and nurtured all over again. I can finally start over.
It seems to me as if it's such a simple little need. I have never understood why people have been so unwilling to meet it. It asks so little of the heart and mind and the benefits are so mutually enriching... Of course, that is a very Vulnerable Child talking. Even naivete. But that is the part of me that needs to be brought out and nurtured so I can grow and heal. There is no other way. I don't like being hurt and angry all the time any more than anyone else likes it. My sense of entitlement is finally met with a sense of responsibility from an "other". I've been carrying around the "other" inside myself, trying to compensate, all this time and it just doesn't do the same job as a genuine "We-Space". It just makes me look crazy and unpredictable.
So, after today's meeting, I came home and took a nap. As I was waking, I was inbetween states of consciousness, and I distinctly remember yelling something really clearly about what my needs or feelings were or making someone understand what I'm going through finally. I woke up wondering if I was talking in my sleep. I remembered it for about 4 seconds. Now it's gone, of course. Then I drifted back and forth again and I remember crying loudly. Again, I thought it was real until I "woke up". These are significant. My amygdala is uploading years and years of toxic pain and agony. It remembers everything. It still feels everything that has happened to it since Day 1.
And I work with many people who have the same amount of warping and trauma and damage that I do and they each have their own individual needs that need to be honored by me as well. I have been eager to do that since the begining but my pain has been holding up a hand against their hurt and anger. Maybe now they can finally see that.
[To the reader in my local world: I am eternally grateful and indebted to you. Thank you for reading me and trying to understand and help me. Words cannot express how I feel about your help.]
Staff is going to adopt a form of communication that is well-known and commonly used in many organizations where sensitivity to Healing and/or mental illness is important. And this is largely because of me and my damage. My pain and "symptoms" around the Projection I mentioned above have increased to the point where it was endangering the safety of the Organization. I've been trying for a year to use my words to communicate, but have gotten pushed back even further each time, so they've finally decided to listen to my behavior instead of dismissing and punishing it. The result is we all now get to learn to talk to each other in clean, responsible language. I hope no one sees that as a loss or sacrifice.
[I'm feeling the impulse to to be sarcastic here, but out of respect for one of my readers, I will restrain myself. ;-) ]
And the biggest part of this is that the "Leader" (my Boss) has been the "#1 Offender" at all that Projection and warped interpretation and power plays and manipulation. The size of his offense, is, unfortunately, partly due to his Position. It's not Personal. And his Position does a real mind-trip on him too. He takes professional disagreement personally when it doesn't need to be. There's alot of damage and trauma in there for him as well that I would love for him to separate out from his professional communication with me, but he's not willing to do that. Yet. So, up until this point, he has been dismissing my needs as being unreasonable expecations and practically abusive. But today he was willing to grant my request that he take the lead in asking the entire Staff to start to learn to do this kind of communicating.
OMG
!
Everything shifted at that point. Work suddenly became the doorway to a world of hope that I originally wished it to be. Having a "We-Space" that honors that need that I have is like being born and nurtured all over again. I can finally start over.
It seems to me as if it's such a simple little need. I have never understood why people have been so unwilling to meet it. It asks so little of the heart and mind and the benefits are so mutually enriching... Of course, that is a very Vulnerable Child talking. Even naivete. But that is the part of me that needs to be brought out and nurtured so I can grow and heal. There is no other way. I don't like being hurt and angry all the time any more than anyone else likes it. My sense of entitlement is finally met with a sense of responsibility from an "other". I've been carrying around the "other" inside myself, trying to compensate, all this time and it just doesn't do the same job as a genuine "We-Space". It just makes me look crazy and unpredictable.
So, after today's meeting, I came home and took a nap. As I was waking, I was inbetween states of consciousness, and I distinctly remember yelling something really clearly about what my needs or feelings were or making someone understand what I'm going through finally. I woke up wondering if I was talking in my sleep. I remembered it for about 4 seconds. Now it's gone, of course. Then I drifted back and forth again and I remember crying loudly. Again, I thought it was real until I "woke up". These are significant. My amygdala is uploading years and years of toxic pain and agony. It remembers everything. It still feels everything that has happened to it since Day 1.
And I work with many people who have the same amount of warping and trauma and damage that I do and they each have their own individual needs that need to be honored by me as well. I have been eager to do that since the begining but my pain has been holding up a hand against their hurt and anger. Maybe now they can finally see that.
[To the reader in my local world: I am eternally grateful and indebted to you. Thank you for reading me and trying to understand and help me. Words cannot express how I feel about your help.]
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