My Local Homeless Shelter

I visited them tonight with a coworker.  I'm much too weary to say anything very intelligent, so I'll just stick this out there.  I'm gonna be fine.  They're just people.  Jesus, what was I so freaked out about!?  Boogie-men!  Phantoms!  One of the clients who comes to our work is prolly more dangerous than the folks there!  He takes things.  And now my things are at work.  I know he heard me talking about me moving my things in. 

It starts.

I woke up with headaches for the last 3 days and slept fitfully dreaming of getting into fights with men and women.  Not waking up in the middle of the night sweating or breathing hard, but waking up in the morning after a "full" night's sleep remembering what I dreamt.  I'm repressing my fear. 

I have more fear coming my way too.  I've been doing some work with my anger and one particular incident that I'm really ashamed of is going to come out in the open.  I'm going to get caught.  It's going to be bad.  The original plan was to fix what I broke so they would never know.  And it was going to work.  But it didn't get fixed.  He fixed his own worthless ball and chain instead.  He told me that he'd fix it.  But he didn't.  It's a really long story.  And it sounds like I did something really bad, I know.  But that's not how it really was.  It was an accident.  I was playing with fire.  And it burnt me.  Or it will burn me...  soon.  I guess I'll save up money to have it fixed, but damaged trust will never mend.  That's the price of being me right now. 

So.  What have I learned?  When I play with the fire of my anger, things can easily go wrong.  I'm pretty prudent, actually.  More so than many.  But I don't have as much experience as many others, so my learning curve puts me a little behind for a while.  I'm gonna make mistakes.  But repressing doesn't fix things either.  Either way stuff breaks.  I guess I'll have to be more precise from now on.  It's not like I won't need my anger any longer.  Now's when I'll need it the most.  It's going to make sure that the bleeding stops and I stop letting other people hurt me.  I need it to save my life instead of letting it take my life one ulcer or infection at a time.

So, yeah.  I'm tired.  Too tired to think of anything else to say.  I am just grateful that I went to the Shelter and met the people and talked to them.  I feel so much better.  I like many of them and I remember why I love to work with people.  I can handle alot of different types of personalities.  The pushy ones don't worry me.  The angry ones don't phase me.  The only ones I don't do well with is beligerant Authority Figures.  But they seemed to be okay with me while my coworker was there.  I hope they make the connection come Wednesday that I'm one of the "good guys".  But that may be one of the last illusions about myself that I get to let go of.  We'll see what life deals out.