Benevolence

I guess it's Love, really. 

Last night I had a close call.  I was working until 10pm and was given until 10:30 to get home.  The week before it was plenty of time.  But this week it wasn't quite.  I walked through the door at 10:29 and I was scared to death. 

As I packed up my things to bring home, I caught myself doing something that I didn't "need" to do, but only wanted to do.  I recognized the problem.  My time was short and the threat was dire, but I was "dawdling" as my Grandmother would have said.  "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself.  The answer was immediate: Because I feel entitled to having enough time to take care of myself.  As soon as I saw it, the impulse and the resulting terror dissolved and I suddenly regained the freedom to choose what I was doing.  I finished the small task I started, then got back on track without feeling compelled to resist. 

All the way home, I grew more and more terrified.  Arguments with Staff formed in my mind about why I was justified to do what I needed to do.  I grew angry and saw that I was on the verge of belligerence and fury.  Again I recognized my situation.  Without judging myself, I prudently decided to redirect my sense of entitlement to a better target, and leave these people out of it.  This was a very complex institution that could not be managed at all if  everyone just did what they felt like they needed to do.  I knew they might cop an attitude with me, but that was a result of institutions being what they were and them not having any better alternatives.  I made a mental note to improve the alternatives for folk who do institutions to help people and then dropped my rage.  The fear melted.

I came in under the wire, and the Universe "rewarded" me with my favorite Staff person being on duty.  He was totally accommodating and kind.  We ended up talking for some time and he told me about his experience.  He was the first resident at this particular Shelter who got out by getting permanent housing.  Such a sweet guy.

On top of the clock issue, I had forgotten to arrange for my chore to be done while I was gone until later that day when there was no one on Staff to call.  I only hoped that they would do what needed to be done to fix it and then give me mild consequences for the oversight.  That's that conscientiousness issue I mentioned before.  I was so worried about making sure everyone was informed that I was working that night and not to expect me until late, that I purged the short-term memory of the chore in order to deal with that terror.  It's amazing as I look at it now, how much of my life has been defined by running from one terror to the next and from that to the next.  Endlessly.  I amaze myself. 

So, not only did I drop my attitude about being late, but I also didn't need to be defensive or angry about the chore.  I simply apologized.  And this guy put my fear at ease by telling me he switched my chore to a morning chore so it wouldn't conflict with work. 

Dang!

So, I retreated to the darkness of the Dorm to decompress.  It was a rough day.  Not only was all this stuff about the Shelter sitting on me, but under all that were heavy burdens of having to keep the sensitive secrets of people I work with and for and respect their confidentiality and privacy.  Deep pain and humiliation and shame and trauma.  In the last 1/2 hour of work, someone told me something that was unbelievably horrible that happened around them.  It triggered alot of stuff for me.  I don't know if she felt the way I would have felt about it if it had happened to me, but I took it really hard.  I'm having a delayed reaction now that I'm able to take the time to unpack it.  I wanna cry or throw up.  God!..

Even anonymously, I dare not talk about it.  it's just too risky. 

Alot of people have been unburdening themselves to me over this last few weeks.  It's part of my job, but it's also what I live in as well.  I do this work 24/7 now.  I'm in public right now.  There are times I wish I had my privacy.  I would just sob.

But last night, I quietly tip-toed in and got my jammies on and laid on my bed and twitched.  It took a long time to fall asleep.  But as I lay there, that feeling came back to me of enveloping benevolence and love for all these people.  Even a newly felt compassion for my boss who has triggered me alot.  I just really love them and care about their lives and happiness.  It just washed over me in waves...  in...   out...   in...   out...  for an hour.  It gently rocked me to sleep. 

I know this is a direct result of getting underneath this sense of entitlement.  I just didn't expect it to last this long.  I expected it to fade after a day or two.