I am in my favorite Coffee House this morning, having tea, and I happened to run into several friends.  As I was conversing with one, a man overheard and when my friend was gone, he asked me if I was working with the homeless.  I answered yes and we had an interesting conversation.  He had worked with my boss before and knew him and told me why he wasn't working there too. 

His perspective is that the mentally ill have an excuse to make bad choices, but the substance abusers don't.  It's a perspective that I'm familiar with, and at the moment, I don't have any hard feelings.  But I also know he's working with the wrong model.  He's coming from a model of culpability.  Guilt vs. innocence.  This is an inadequate perspective.  It can't reach the entire reality.  Not only does it put too much boot-strap responsibility on the substance abuser, but it also puts too little on the mentally ill.  Neither is really helpful. 

In the Recovery Model for mental illness, the solution must come from inside of them.  Feeling sorry for them because of some mistaken understanding about which side of the culpability fense they sit on only helps about 1/6 of the problem.  The rest of the problem requires a profound ability to invoke power out of the disturbed person themself, so that they can detangle their own web of disease. 

But it's hard to convince an addict that the power doesn't really come from outside of themselves, mainly the chemicals.  Their power of projection is so profound.  Which is also why they usually do better with a Higher Power than without one.  The atheistic ones are just as deeply conditioned to look for the solution outside of themselves, but they must be able to control the external solution, somehow, which is impossible with spiritual things of any kind.  They dance a delicate dance.

I told him that a person who destroys themself with drugs and alcohol is probably mentally ill to some degree or in some way anyway.  He was too jaded to hear it.  But he wished me well anyway.  I too, him.

Ah, well. 

Blessings upon them.

I get the impeccability with my word thing from the First Agreement pretty well.  Not only will I be honest, but I will also discern truth from fiction when it comes from others so that I'm not passing on other people's toxicity.  I've been able to unload some very toxic waste from my Mom over the last month, so I am much more healthy and clean.  I freak out much less because of what others say or do around me and this translates to needing to say much less toxic things in return.  So the write-up I did last week was relatively easy to keep free of crap.

However, I now see that I wasn't doing the Second Agreement very well.  I saw it then, too, but I couldn't stop it.  Its a good thing I did the best I could!  Yes, I took all those compliments and good reviews too personally.  I realized it as I lay in bed in the dark.  "I can't contain this because I'm trying to fit the whole thing inside me, and I'm too small.  My small self is way too small."  Larger Self has to step in to contain it.  Small self is Personal.  Larger Self is Transpersonal.  Small self is filled with all sorts of things, both good and bad, positive and negative, light and dark.  Compliments don't land well there because there are too many ponds and rocks to make a good landing strip.  So, letting Larger Self take the credit and letting my smaller self stop fretting about it made things feel more right.  I managed to sustain that for less than a minute, then I felt too overwhelmed again.

I got stuck on the Third Agreement, however.  In a perfect world, we could ask questions and get enough correct information to not have to guess, but this isn't a perfect world.  Sorry, man.  But we have to do alot of guessing in order to proceed forward.  We can't keep waiting for everyone else to correctly identify what they really want and then correctly communicate it before we make our decisions.  Asking people what they want doesn't necessarily get you the information you need to get things done right.  Tried that.  Didn't work.  I guess wrong once, shame on me.  I guess wrong twice, shame on you.  It is true, that making assumptions can end badly.  That's why it's a good idea to really know what you want and communicate that correctly, but don't necessarily ass-u-me that others are doing this.  I'm not sure if he caught that assumption or not.

The Forth Agreement made alot of sense.  It's kindof the platter upon which the whole meal is served.  A bit of a no-brainer.  But it's pretty cool the way it fits together with the other three.  Something shined out for me on page 87 when he said this:

"Every action then becomes a ritual in which you are honoring God.  After that, the next step is honoring God with every thought, every emotion, every belief, even what is "right" or "wrong".  Every thought becomes a communion with God, and you will live a dream without judgments, victimization, and free of the need to gossip and abuse yourself."

I've been in this kind of space.  I know this is real.

In general, it was a pretty good book.  Not as in-depth as I'd hoped, but good for a quickie check-in on how I'm handling certain things or where I'm at in my day.  I'd like to know more about the Toltec's and how this interfaces with their knowledge.  Certainly they didn't have some of these concepts back then, such as child-psychology.  It must have come in another form, such as the "Dreaming".  That's kindof an interesting, shamanistic analogy.

Thank you, D, for the recommendation.  I'm almost done with it.  I'm just beginning the chapter on Breaking Old Agreements.

I was at my Mom's house over the weekend in preparation for a camping trip that my kids wanted to take me on.  I was prepared to do what needed to be done in order to get everyone's needs met around it, so I rolled up my emotional sleeves and "asked questions" from everyone so I could get all the information needed to make the correct decisions.  I took the info from one side and did what needed to be done on the other side, then brought the results back to the other, etc.  Unfortunately, my Mom interpreted my actions as malevolent, and then attacked me.  She thought I was only telling her what she wanted to hear and placating her.

Both my Mother and Daughter have similar issues around giving straight answers to these kinds of questions.  I know what's behind my Daughter's stuff, but not my Mom.  I would guess that they are probably the same or similar.  Asking them would be yet another exercise in futility, so I won't.  They will each simply use that opportunity to abuse me.  Another method of dealing with them is necessary. 

That night that I wrote that one blog about feeling overwhelmed, I got a really great insight into myself.  I saw that I had these impulses that could never emerge where I grew up, and only began to come out when I was living at the Homeless Shelter.  These were not impulses for evil or naughtiness, but impulses to love, be honest and be good.  I deeply, secretly wanted to be good, but my Mother would not believe me.  She would squash those impulses by humiliating me whenever they came up.  Somehow they threatened her.  The same with the others.  I could not love in my family.  It made me cry when I realized how gutted my life had been by her when I was small. 

When I laid on my bed awake thinking about all this, I got up and went to the bathroom, and one of my Client/Friends was in there.  I told her everything.  Telling her that I wanted to be good created this sensation of threat for me between us.  So I told her about that too.  I'm not sure she understood what I was saying.  She was very kind and supportive, but I think she thought that I doubted my goodness.  And that's not what I was experiencing.  It was the exact opposite.  It felt as if someone was going to come along and squash me, shame me or embarrass me because I said I wanted to be good.

So, I've spent most of my life placating my Mom by repressing my impulses to be loving, truthful and good.  It's kindof ironic how she thought I was being condescending towards her and placating her when I was actually expressing my goodness, love and truthfulness, but failed to detect that all my years of being totally blank when she asserted her assumptions and interpretations all over me were when I was actually placating her. 

I'm really glad that I awakened to that last week because that prepared me for this confrontation with my Mom.  When she attacked me by basically calling me a liar, I didn't take it.  I stood up to her and rebuffed her insult.  She tried to intimidate me, but I threw it right back at her and didn't bat an eyelash.  I knew who I was.  She said some stupid, childish things and left.  My Son got up from the living-room floor where he had been sleeping before the fight, and went into my Daughter's room.  The two of them were scared.  I was pissed.  I told them to just pack up everything they were gonna need for the camping trip and get ready to go, then had my Daughter call her friend to come and pick us up.  The van arrived within minutes and we piled our stuff in it and left.  My kids never want to go back there. 

Mom doesn't really want them there, but she tells us all that it's okay for them to come over.  She crosses her own boundaries that way.  Then when she gets pissed because they're there and doing things in her house and with her car, she attacks us.  So, we're all doing our best to give her what she really wants, not what she says she wants.  We've all had it with her dishonesty and meanness. 

I feel sad right now because I'm remembering some of my attempts to express those impulses throughout my life, and having them squashed or dismissed again and again.  My husband did it.  My Daughter did it.  My boyfriend does it.  My boss does it.  All of my bosses did it.  It's a deep trigger for me. 

Dammit! 

On the surface, it appears to be about the showers.  But it's not.  Its about human dignity and power and economic Darwinism and Meritocracy.  Again with the Culpability Model. 

There was another House Meeting last night.  I knew there would be.  That's why I asked ahead of time what time it would be so that I could time my shower appropriately.  I'm trying to be considerate of others as well as not set myself up to be triggered.  No such luck.  I was told 7:30 by a Staff member.  So, when I was half way done with my shower, someone poked their head in the door and called "House Meeting in 8 minutes!" about 15 minutes too early.  Bam!  I was off. 

When the meeting was in session, I complained.  Staff told me that we had 5 minutes in the shower and that was plenty of time to get in, get undressed, wash off and get dressed again.  I said, "No it isn't."  So the other Staff member said, "Then go somewhere else and take a shower."  Again, I said, "No!"  So they gave me the same old speech about how they are providing a service, food and shelter, everything else is frosting.  I should be more grateful for what I'm getting and if I wanted to pay the electric bill, then maybe I'd have more say over it.  So showers are 5 minutes, okay?  "NO!" I said, "That's absurd and impossible.  This is not the jail and I shouldn't be treated like a prisoner.  I'm going to file a grievance."  I think everyone in the room was shocked to hear this come out of me since I'm usually so compliant.  One of the women in the dorm came up to me afterwords and whispered, "I didn't know you had that in you!"  Being kind and considerate is not the same as being a pushover. 


So what's this really about for me?  They trampled on my deep, infantile sense of entitlement as well as on my own desire to be good.  It will not benefit me to hide any of that.  When my sense of entitlement is triggered, there is no way I can be compliant.  It just isn't in me.  It's like the ultimate regression. 

Sure, I'm mentally ill, so I'm gonna have a harder time of it, but I'd be willing to bet that 99% of these people are suffering some form of traumatic stress from simply being homeless, and regression is always a part of that.  Some are coming from Prison, too, and that is traumatic in it's own way.  The drug and alcohol addicted are trapped in a very strong vortex of PTSD because they have completely lost their ability to trust themselves to keep them safe. 

I lay on my bed after lights went out and my Larger Self consoled my smaller self for feeling so powerless and triggered and being entangled in so much drama.  So much suffering. 

FAR OUT!  Three Buddhist monks from the local monastery just walked by in single file with their robes and begging bowls.  So cute!  So bald!  So kind of the Universe to send me that little boost!  All of a sudden it's way easier to contain my sense of entitlement! 

The program that runs the Homeless Shelter can not afford to allow everyone to get their needs met.  Its just not practical. 

A very large dragonfly just came in and flapped around my table.  One of the waitresses came over and was making these threatening movements.  So, I got up and just believed that he would trust me.  He climbed on my hand and let me take him outside.  That doesn't usually happen. 

But they don't have to squash dissent by re-traumatizing us and parading their own sense of entitlement to our worship around every time we ask for a little consideration.  Their entitlement is being mirrored back to them via our entitlement.  Their belligerence is being mirrored back to them via our belligerence.  Etc.  Their impersonal treatment of us is being mirrored back to them by our impersonal treatment of them.  They are reaping what they are sowing.  And I can think of a hundred more examples of why they should stop being such horse's asses, but I am unable to think of any examples of why we should also stop exerting our personal sense of entitlement in that atmosphere while I am deeply engaged in that space. 

The truth is, they have a budget problem and need help with solutions.  They also have a staffing problem, and need help solving that as well. 

In.  Out.  In.  Out.  I am inside my sense of entitlement.  I am outside of it.  inside.  Outside. 
I'm hoping that I can come up with something impeccable to say about it by the end of the day.

The Burning Man establishment "Skinny Kitty Cafe" bus is in my town this week covered in a layer of white powder from Black Rock.  I will ride my bike past it tonight and annoint myself with it's dandruff on my way back to the Shelter. 

WOOT!!

Well, I'm not sure I'll be able to get it back again.  It may be gone for a while.  That happened to me last year when I moved in with my Mom.  I was doing okay before I had to be around her all the time.  But after having her in my face day in and day out whether I felt strong or weak, I didn't have enough personal space to regain my composure and I lost it for over a year.  Amazing how moving out of her space put me right back where I needed to be within hours.

I finished "The Four Agreements".  It feels very much like a measuring tool for me.  I can tell how free I am by how much or little the pictures he draws of "Heaven" seem feasible.  Right now, I'm seeing more obstacles than I saw two weeks ago.  I can remember how freedom feels and how easy it is, but I can't get there from here.  There is a gap and I can't find the bridge.  I am no longer in the deathless lands. 

I'm sure it's possible to get there.  It's not an intellectual achievement.  It's a product of certain habits of awareness.  Habits that take more than practice alone and more than good genes alone, but a certain combination of the two.  I think the ability to achieve and hold higher states of freedom is partly physiological.  The brain must be capable of building those habits or pathways.  Some just aren't.  And I don't know if that's an evolutionary adaptation or a simple matter of health vs. defect, or if there's even a difference.  But some time last year I began to realize that eventually I would be able to do it and hold it so it's not just some fluke mountain-top experience. 

But it also takes a certain kind of motivation, I think.  One's motivation for expanded awareness will color one's quality of awareness.  It will determine the limitations of it in some way.  One can have expanded awareness and still be an asshole.  'Tis unfortunate, but true.  So, I guess the kind of limitation motivation determines is a moral one.  I guess that's the word.  Maybe there's a better one.  But I had to overcome my prejudices about other people's motives for expanded awareness in order to even begin to pursue it.  I'm still working on that.  And now that I've felt it's benefit, I have to sort out the new reasons for pursuing it from the motives I've previously been suspicious of.  Even calling it "Freedom" pushes alot of buttons that my smaller self is very invested in.  I have to detangle from things like that.  If I am indeed a Borderline, then my amygdala can get overly charged from such triggers. 

I'm seeing a different way of feeling about what happened at the House Meeting.  I don't know how else to describe that.  I KNOW that I don't HAVE to feel entitlement and resentment about it.  I can feel differently about it.  I can take the perspective of the other people involved.  But something is in the way.  The patterns that have been laid down (from what Ruiz would call "the Parasite") are still very deep and persistent.  They are still "poisoning" me.  My motivation for moving away from those patterns is very, VERY important.  If I move away from them for any reason that might resemble rejection of the small self - even remotely - I will fail.  So, I have to be very careful with the metaphors I use, consciously steering clear of polemic.  Most of the teaching and literature and tradition uses polemic for such pursuits, so I can't really just trust myself to those packaged versions of enlightenment or whatever. 

So, as long as I don't make any threatening movements towards my small self, it will lower it's shields and lay the weapons down willingly.  I think that is why Jesus did what He did, instead of leading a military revolution.  The institutions that were "protecting" life as they knew it were getting in the way of emotional and spiritual progress, and they were all created within a military context.  More weapons would only escalate the conflict.  He had to make another way.  I have to allow my small self to do what it feels it needs to do to anyone who threatens it, even if those threats are in the name of progress or freedom.  My small self knows that true progress cannot be made if it is not allowed to function the way it was designed. 

I think that's what Ruiz means by choosing another dream.  He doesn't subscribe to the usual metaphor of "waking up" and staying "awake."  I'm not sure, but I think the "dreaming" metaphor is more ancient or maybe it's from a different brand of ancient. 

Someone who would know is sitting about 10 feet away from me here at my Coffee House office.  He's been to South America and the Amazon and studies the ancient cultures and how they are sustainable and such.  He's got amazing stories to tell.  When I think he has a minute,  I'll ask him. 

But the "dreaming" metaphor seems friendly to the sort of idea I have of enlightenment, which is: awaken to what it is like to not need to fight so that you can go back to sleep and pick your battles more carefully.  Because only a teeny, tiny percentage of people are awake enough to their own inner dualities to not be hipocrites. 

Americans seem to be in this frothy limbo right now where we're awakening to our impulse to fight, and we're almost ready to leave it behind, but not quite.  it still seems like the right thing to do sometimes.  It was only about 100 years ago that we didn't even question that at all.  So, currently, even the war protesters are waging a policy war on the govt., believing that it will eventually accomplish what they want and are totally asleep to their own active war-impulse.  I haven't yet met one who seems to be in a more intentional place about it, they all seem to deny it and deflect the suggestion as if it were a threat.  A truly expanded awareness wouldn't do that.  The truth is, we are all war-mongers.  The challenge is to be free to direct that impulse to where it will actually do good and do no damage.  Right now I don't think the war protest movement is really doing much good and it actually damages the credibility of intelligent and sensitive people.  Spending next month's paycheck to buy bombs to blow up the office today.  ...but that's my well-versed amygdala talking.  It can pull hundreds of justifications for not rejecting the lower impulses out of its hat. 

...Yeah, he says the idea of dreaming is one of the most ancient in the world.  Which begs another question.  Maybe that's one of the reasons the idea of awakening was so profound to begin with.  But it's clear that dreaming is not just a metaphor, but literal.  It's how the Shamans determine what is going on with people spiritually.  Perhaps some people in ancient India found problems with that and used the waking state to solve it, thus putting a new value on the the conscious mind.  I can see how it would suck if you had your eyes gouged out because you dreamed of screwing your neighbor's wife.

So, choosing another dream can be more friendly to the lower impulses than mere awakening and then staying awake.  Unless you really get that point that Pema made in her book, "The Places that Scare You" about awakening TO the lower impulses, not awakening FROM them. 

So, I want to punish the Staff member at the Shelter because of her sense of entitlement.  Yes, I do.  Because I feel entitled to satisfaction.  She too feels entitled to punish me for non-compliance.  But I am the one who is awake to my sense of entitlement.  She is not.  Our sense of entitlement ties us to alot of drama and suffering.  It is a totally weak and powerless position to be in.  That means she too is experiencing weakness and powerlessness.  Thus the need to punish.  Entitlement is all about being utterly unable to provide for one's self the thing one needs so we feel forced to find a way to extract it from others at any cost.  I've invested wasted years of my life trying to solve the puzzle of entitlement from inside of it.  It is impossible.  As my most recent Shrink told me, childhood is over.  You can never go back and get what you missed from your Parents or get them to undo what they did.  Justice cannot repair that sort of thing.  The patterns have been set, we are used to feeling cheated.  Even if justice was done, it would not remove that sense of being cheated because that sense is now hardwired into the system.  One has to disconnect from The System for a while before one can really have a choice about how to maneuver inside of it. 

~~~

I've changed locations.  I ran out of money buying tea this morning, so when I finally got hungry I had to go back to work where my money and food is stashed and let myself in and eat.  Empty building.  Me in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.  So, now I'm at my favorite Pub down the street sipping a large Guilder.  LOL  This is the kind of life I would live if I were travelling in Europe.  I always thought I had to be wealthy to afford this.  So far today, I've spent no more than $7.70, total. 

So, another thing that happened is a client/friend stopped in at the Coffee House where I was and we talked.  While I was helping him, I helped myself figure out the crux of the matter with me and my Staff member nemesis: We are both people who work hard to help people and we both feel entitled to some decent respect and consideration for that.  I feel as if my worst, most difficult to overcome character defects should be tolerated by the people I live with because I'm trying so hard to get over myself.  No doubt, she feels the same about hers.  That's where we're at.  Same level.  Same agenda.  Only, I have awakened first.  I beat her to the Finish Line.  So, at the same time, I'm awake to my sense of competition.  LOL  A Bonus!!

There are certain luxuries that only the Mentally Ill can afford.

Okay, this is a real danger zone for me. 

I've got a cold.  A really bad one.  I'm taking that Zicam stuff, but it's still really bad.  The night before last I asked my favorite Staff member at the Shelter if he could get me off the chore board while I'm sick and have someone else do my chore.  It just so happens that I got the 2nd hardest chore in the whole place this week: wet-mopping or sweeping the Women's Dorm.  Mopping the Men's Dorm would be worse because it's so much bigger.  So, he said that even though it's not normal protocol, he would do it and the next morning someone else swept.  Bless him.

However!

This morning, my name was still on the chore board and the person who mopped yesterday didn't step up today.  So the Staff member who was on duty this morning asked me if I was going to do it.  I was incredulous.  She told me that I could ask someone else to do it for me because there were plenty of women around.  So, I did.  No one stepped up.  Not one.  It's really hard for me to ask for help from a large group of people.  My next-bed-neighbor said she would if she were allowed, but she recently had brain surgery and is excused from the hardest work.  Bless her.

The last few days I've been grateful that I got the cold before anyone else, so that when others get it next, I can help them.  It's a result of my PTSD and Attachment Disorder that I automatically think of ways to help others.  I guess when I was little it seemed logical that if I became a better person, people would be kinder to me.  So, when I think good thoughts and have good intentions, another thought process that is natural for a little person kicks in.  I feel entitled. 

So, in an excruciatingly powerful fit of resentment, I banged things and threw things and took my damn-sweet time getting it done, and I cried the whole time and worked in silence.  The poor Staff member on duty.  I felt bad for her.  It's not her fault.  I didn't want to inconvenience her at all.  But the institution which doesn't normally make such accommodations for people who have a bad cold (but do for some other people who have mental illness or surgery or small children to take care of all the time) should be called to account for such treatment.  The Women's Dorm is almost full, and there are at least 3 new women who are capable of covering under such circumstances.  Impersonalness and Indifference.  My two favorite things.  Hell exists for people who condone that and it hath no fury like me when I'm entitled. 

On top of that, one of the women who I deeply respect and care about thinks I did something to hurt her and it's basically impossible to prove that I didn't.  She was very politic when she confronted me this morning, but the look in her eye told me that she was convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did something pretty bad. 

Both of these things are deep triggers for me.  Not being believed or having people be suspicious of me when all my intentions and/or actions have been impeccable all along is something I've had to live with since the womb.  It doesn't matter what I do.  I can't prove my innocence or goodness.  All the ugliness is in the other.  It creates a mess inside the mind and heart, especially of someone vulnerable and powerless.  And this means my brain has been hard-wired to orbit around this drama forever because identity is tied up in it's resolution. 

There is no resolution. 

I wonder how many people realize that.  I didn't.  Not until recently.  The dilemma of Personality and Identity is that Truth, Vindication and Justice cannot be achieved here.  There is so much energy going in that direction, trying to arrive there, and billions of lives are put on hold until it is reached - forever.  It is our sad Dream.  It's frustrating because sometimes moments of Vindication pop up to tease us - but it is always a limited Vindication.  A Vindication that satisfies so few, and energizes the Victimization of so many others. 

I'm glad that I am only half asleep - or am I lucid dreaming?  I don't know.  I'm not fully awake.  But I'm not completely caught either.  Awake enough to still manage compassion to all, but sleepy...  so sleepy and weary and weighed down...

I'll tag all this later.  It's time-consuming and my shift starts now.

Oh, dear. 

I've been studying up on Asperger's Syndrome for the past week.  It's in relation to a client/friend.  How fascinating it all is!  I've visited websites and listened to podcasts and talked with two shrinks who are helping my friend and I've come away with some great insight and put some things together intuitively. 

What I figured out this morning is that, probably mostly because of the Internet, many people who have it have learned how to draw upon one another for emotional or moral support and are generating a very powerful group consciousness.  This group consciousness is, of course, still subjective within the AS Community.  They are collectively not seeing themselves objectively.  Which is fine.  That has great advantages, especially if that's never happened before. 

The main advantage is that, what one once thought was a matter of poor character or unwillingness, one can now see is a common denominator and characteristic of this Condition.  One is now freed from the excessive burden of shame about certain things because one now knows that the brain is built differently and organically effects behavior in an involuntary way.  People with Asperger's sometimes refer to themselves as "Aspies" and "normal" people as "NT"'s or "neuro-typical".  NT's should no longer moralize at them about their limitations or strengths, but must learn to accommodate them and teach them without judgment. 

And there is also a disadvantage - a particularly critical one for Aspies.  They cannot actually determine the value of their condition within the larger social context because the main characteristic of their condition in the first place is a weakened ability to access the workings of the sympathetic nervous system - or the part of our nervous system that helps us interface with social value and relationships and non-verbal cues.  So, I hear some of them saying that they are not handicapped or broken or disabled, they are different, superior, gifted and special.  In some ways this is true. 

Many of them are able to focus on cognitive tasks much better than NT's because they are not distracted by intuition and the emotional undertow of life.  Many have amazing, sometimes savant-like abilities and skills.  Some just use their cognitive abilities to memorize the rules of interaction and civility in an attempt to suffer less frustration and trauma in social situations.  They may seem manipulative or mechanical to NT's, but this too is not a character defect.  It is a skill which serves in the absence of intuitive ability.  If one needs to drive a screw and all one has is a hammer, one learns to use the hammer in creative ways.  That's just how it goes. 

And so, the claim that Aspies are superior is understandable and is certainly a course correction from the shaming that they use to attract, I don't think it's wise to acknowledge or agree with it objectively.  It could be said that looking at the value of a thing against a larger context is an NT value only.  But there's no way to resolve that statement if you follow it to it's natural conclusion.  Regardless of the differentiating characteristic, valuing one human characteristic over another as the sole expression of value leads to preferential treatment which leads to exclusion which ... [fast forward] ... leads to the gas chambers and eugenics.  It is a regression. 

I think valuing one characteristic over another should be combined with valuing universal characteristics so that diversity can be acknowledged in a healthy way, accommodated when appropriate and sacred space can be created for them by the larger community without damaging the integrity of universal values.  This is the basic idea of the United States form of Government.  It's at least 200 years old.  And, I heard that Thomas Jefferson is suspected of having Asperger's, so if he can get that, then it behooves them to get that too. 

Can I say the same for my own disorder?  Yeah, I guess I would have to, huh?  It is a universal value that I not inflict my entitlement on others unexamined.  Do I value that when I'm inside the experience of entitlement?  HELL NO!  Screw everybody else!  LOL  And that means that for all those out there who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder or Attachment Disorders or Defiant Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or what-have-you and are getting sent to Anger Management classes need to be acknowledged for how much harder it is for them than normal people to get outside of that bad, bad place and step off.  Special accommodations can be made for them without damaging the integrity of the larger community.  And Sacred Venting Events can be held for them to blow off steam in the general direction of whatever commonly drives them crazy - isn't that what Rock Concerts are anyway?  That was my Sacred Space when I was growing up.

There are all sorts of issues that come up when we pathologize things.  One of the great lessons of Post-modernity has been to step outside of our little bubbles and stop automatically judging and dominating other small contexts.  Everyone needs to learn to do this.  No one is exempt.  No context is exempt.  No more assumptions.  Either everyone gets over themself or they forfeit their rights to not get run over by someone else's context.  So, the Art/Science of Psychology and Medicine in general has really been on notice for a while. 

There is alot of other stuff that's fascinating too, but I need to go lay down.  I'm still very sick and need rest desperately.  At my request, my favorite Staff member at the Shelter gave me an easy chore this week so I could coast a bit there. 

This is going to be hard.  I have a similar reaction to this situation as I did to that Wikipedia article about the boy who was lobotomized.  If I sit too long with it, I start to cave in. 

Two weeks ago, we got a new participant/client at work who has Asperger's Syndrome.  I said only a little bit about it a few days ago.  It is brain damage and creates developmental disability.  She has trouble with subtle social cues and boundary issues and impulse control.  I've been trying hard to work with her on expressions of affection and also attachment that don't go all the way to sexualization.  When she's with me, she does pretty good.  She happened to be staying at the Shelter with me because she left home at 23, wanting to get out from her Mother's moralizing fundie-churchianity and also explore her lesbianism.  As a legal adult, she has every right.  However, she is not an adult in every way.  In some ways she's like a 2-year old who can't stop reaching out for Momma when they want to be picked up.  She paws and grabs people and touches people regardless of whether or not they want it or if it's safe for her and whines when she can't get it for whatever reason. 

The rules at the Shelter prohibit any sexual contact at all, except for a quick goodnight hug and kiss between partners who came into the Shelter together.  But no matter how many times and how many ways they told her to stop, she just wouldn't stop getting into situations where she'd be touching people.  No matter how many times or how many ways I tried to explain her disability, they wouldn't stop punishing her.  The situation escalated.

I told my boss that I could see the handwriting on the wall and something needed to be done urgently.  He heard that as the signal to try and "get it into her head" how important it was to control her behavior.  I tried to explain that this was not working and something else needed to be done.  She needed a change of environment that accommodated her limitations so that she wasn't being triggered constantly.  He interpreted that as not having faith or hope that she could recover or manage this problem and that is not what we were about.  I disagreed, but because this was a power relationship, I felt silent and nothing was done. 

As the situation escalated more, I met with his boss and after combining our separate perspectives on everything, I explained my dilemma.  She immediately came with me to the Staff Meeting and helped me by putting her Voice to my concern and this time he heard it.  Since then, we've consulted with more of her long-term care-givers and they all agree: her behavior is dependent on the environment she's in.  If others can be appropriate, then she can be too.  If not, then she does what they do and is extremely vulnerable.

In this line of work, there is not supposed to be "rankism".  And there isn't, as long as we're conscious of what is going on.  But unconsciously, it happens all the time.  We're all just so used to it.  So, he worked on changing his tune.  He still get's triggered and can go back to "The Bad Place", but he's working on it.  This non-profit agency is a peer-run, self-help org for mental health clients.  The inmates are running the asylum.  It's an evidence based practice that declares us uniquely qualified to understand and help people who have mental illness, instead of disqualifies us.  It's pretty amazing.  I'm extremely lucky to have found this job. 

So!  One thing led to another and we couldn't put a strategy in place quick enough and my client/friend was "exited" from the Shelter after two men and one woman harvested what they wanted from this young developmentally disabled adult.  The Staff at the Shelter put her on the street while the two guys and the older woman who had their own sexual boundary issues and manipulated her were spared.  And since I openly tried to defend her and maintain discretion and confidentiality boundaries at the same time, I am now seen as a trouble-maker.  The divide-and-conquer tactics employed to implement their policy were totally transparent.  Her last night was Wednesday.

Last night, I worked late again and was driven home by my boss's boss.  Thursday and Friday were both 7-9-hour days.  After coming in and changing into my jammies, I sat myself down on the floor in front of my favorite Staff-person and asked him if he could help me make sense of what happened this week.  We talked for about a half hour.  He told me alot.  I learned that they honestly don't believe that she has actual trouble controlling her impulses, that the disability is just an excuse.  It was interesting the way he put it.  He said, "She was told over and over in many ways, by many people and in many contexts to stop with the behavior and she just wouldn't stop.  So what does that tell you?"  I answered, "Yes.  What DOES that tell you?"  But he didn't listen or hear me.  I learned that they are just not trained or equipped to deal with people with issues like that.  So I asked him if they would like to get training and develop protocols for this type of thing and he said that they have invited Mental Health to come and train them, but MH has not yet gotten around to it.  I learned that he used to be a professional criminal and he knew the offending guy from jail and knew that he used to do just exactly what she accused him of doing.  I learned that they rules were developed and time-tested to work best.  I learned that he is very confused between what personal and impersonal is.  So, I just sat there as the wave of tragedy rolled over me and pulled me down, down, down.

He has no idea.  And the Staff there is carefully insulating themselves and one another from any possibility of getting any idea.  They are protecting themselves from one form of Institutional Trauma while they inflict the other form on the most vulnerable in our society. 

The line I came up with to describe this is this:  The protocols and rules they have developed are inadvertently rewarding the strong and cunning while they crush the weak and innocent.  The good of the group outweighs the good of the individual. 

I need some time to recover.  This was traumatizing to me in the extreme. 

By a shear stroke of luck, we at work found an uncertified "Board and Care Facility" that is able to take her in and she didn't have to spend a night in the street.  But this was lucky.  If we didn't find anything, she could very well be dead by now.  So, I still see her at work and we talk and laugh and I engage in non-sexual affection with her and she's so attached to me, but she really doesn't have the ability to comprehend just how dire her situation was.  The only thing her radar is tuned in to is where and when she will get her next dose of affection.  She can't make decisions based on anything else. 

So this is one end result of the Culpability Model in this type of institution.  If you keep treating something as a punitive issue, then people shape their stories around guilt and innocence regardless of whether this is really how it is.  For someone who has no capacity for guilt, this is totally warped and unacceptable and can't come close to describing the situation accurately.  In my first post about this, if I were to tell the man I met in the Coffee House - which I am now in, btw - about what happened this week, I'm afraid he would come unglued.  Seeing as how he errs on the side of declaring the Mentally Ill innocent of making bad choices, while the drug and alcohol addicted are given no such pass, I would imagine that he'd have visions of burning this place to the ground dancing in his head.  Or, perhaps I'm just projecting my own frustration.  I certainly can't afford to express such desire openly seeing as how this is the only means of having a roof over my head at the moment. 

Oh, and incidentally, since this all happened, the transitional housing program in town which is run by the same people, are now making trouble for me and hassling me because I like to have a beer now and then.  I might be dropped from their program.  I will be exited from the Shelter at the end of January regardless of whether or not I have been housed.  If my HUD doesn't come through before then, I have no where to go.  The only place in town that offers a bridge between the Shelter and permanent housing is this one organization.  And apparently, I'm on their shit list.