I Feel Poisoned

Sunday afternoon, I was helping my b/f get some stuff out of Storage and I hit my head on the roll-up door.  It was a pretty hard "BANG!"  Since then I have been experiencing emotional fluctuations that can only be attributed to PTSD flashbacks.  Out of nowhere, I will suddenly experience an overwhelming feeling/belief that no one cares and no one will take care of me if I go down.  These were the experiences I had when I had been hit in the head from behind when I was a small child.  In the past I have projected this out onto the Universe without question. 

Now I'm questioning it. 

And while the Universe contains everything from good to evil intention, it may not be true that the impression I'm getting is the actual case in the moment I'm getting it.  Right now, I'm extremely triggered about something that my b/f said and did this morning, but he too feels poisoned and immediately brought his conscious awareness to it and reported it like the Good Sport that he is.  I feel compelled to get angry at him.  Really pushed.  It seems as though it is he who doesn't care and won't take care of me if I go down.  But I actually know better.  He proved to me the night before last that he wants to learn to take care of me if I'm hurting. 

Since getting hit, I have been reading about the neurotransmitters and brain functions involved in all this, and trying to put together a comprehensive picture of what is going on.  But it's difficult.  It is difficult for me to learn right now while I'm in"toxic"ated. 

I have found out a few interesting things: animals learn "better" when they're scared.  That doesn't necessarily translate to humans because they're really only learning animal things such as, where the threat is, what options they have for protecting themselves, and that's about it.  They're not learning about Hierarchy Structures for Non-Profits or how to craft a Policy statement that doesn't put people on the defensive.  Right now, I simply cannot concentrate on the work I'm supposed to get done.  I am only alerted to my cell-phone making a noise that tells me a certain threat to my sanity has left a message and the impulse to flush the phone down the toilet. 

I don't know how to solve this problem. 

I also found out that sugars and stress are deeply connected, but I can't quite grasp how.  I think it works like this: an event triggers the release of epinephrine (adrenaline), which triggers the release of norepinephrine, which triggers the cells in the body to wring all their sugars out into the bloodstream.  This superabundance of sugar is used up by the fight or flight actions such as thinking and actions.  The brain is the biggest consumer of sugars in the body.  Soon, the body achieves low-blood sugar after using all this supply up, and there has to be a resupply or the brain ceases to function in it's higher thinking portions.  Yes, that's right.  The Higher Thinking is dependent upon the Lower Brain Functions in order to solve problems.  So, the idea of leaving the Lizard Brain behind in preference for the Avatar Brain has gone right out the window. 

Histamine is also deeply involved somehow.  I take anti-histamines every day, so I know I'm somehow doing a number on myself with that.  But I also take a decongestant which is related to dopamine and this twists it around even more.  I am Thyroid dependent - I have to take Thyroid hormone every day to replace what my body fails to manufacture.  I have been trying to eat better and so the decrease in sugars may have left me in withdrawals. 

Yesterday, at a Staff Meeting, I let everyone know what happened and what's going on with me.  One of my comrades said that trauma was a hell of a difficult way to develop "The Observer".  I hadn't realized this.  I thought this was how it was done.  I can't imagine doing it any other way.  Without something intense to move inside and outside of, how would you even sense the movement?  Hm...

And for those with PTSD, there seems to be a low level of Cortisol to counteract the Norepinephrine, which also contributes to the fast sugar burnout, which contributes to a lower ability to think which contributes to the feeling of stress, which keeps the whole thing in a constant state of agitation. 

I think I have that somewhat right.  Please forgive me if I've missed some steps or got the names wrong.  It's all very confusing when all I've found to learn about this stuff is separate wikipedia articles.  In order to learn from "real" science journals I have to be either educated or rich or they won't let me read them. 

So, why does this matter to me? 

I've seen "What the Bleep..." and it was only helpful to me insofar as it encouraged me to learn for myself.  It is not helpful if all I get out of it is I try and focus my intention and my life will get better.  There are too many ways to interpret that.  Watching the brain chemicals move around are pretty self-explanatory - and except for the absurd argument of which came first; the chemical or the emotion - it's pretty easy to see what it all means. 

It means that unless I find a way to be Bigger than my neurotransmitters, they will engulf me and life will suck and then I'll die.  Misery has a beauty to it.  No doubt.  And thank GOD!  If it didn't, those who are stuck in it would not survive it.  But there are other beauties. 

I've learned this last weekend that for those with BPD, it seems that our impulses are Holy and Sacred.  Rejecting them or denouncing them or denying them in any way is Blasphemous.  It's not that they must be obeyed, but that their existence signals something that should not be missed.  It's like basic pain.  If we could not feel pain, we would bleed to death or die of infections before we ever had the chance to reproduce.  Emotional Leprosy is not really an option, no matter how bad it hurts. 

Love me.
Love my neurotransmitters.