Here's a quote:

"...a rich and fruitful topic for further elaborations - the reconceptualization of psychopathology within an AQAL matrix of indigenous perspectives. "

Excerpt C: The Ways We Are In This Together: Intersubjectivity and Interobjectivity in the Holonic Kosmos

Uh, yeah.  So let's get on!

Only last week did I find out what Ken's idea is about BPD.  Where the hell have I been?  As it turns out, he believes in a kind of lack of boundary between the self and not-self.  An actual or partial lack of unconscious.  This is a tidy predicament.  All perspectives, all the time, no buffer.  Get gestated, get born, GO! 

Zero protection from the world of contentious perspectives starting before one is even verbal. 

The result is a rotating cycle of repress and project and split and break.  Like torturing someone to death, resuscitating them and then doing it sommore.  Yeah.  That sums it up. 

So, I'm kinda manic right now.  I don't really know why.  But I'm going with it.  I tend to want to make grand decisions when I feel like this, but I'm starting to wake up to that not being a good thing.  So, I think I can contain that impulse.  But in place of decisions, I think I'll just make a grand fantasy instead. 

I want to be one of the first Clients to develop Integral Peer-support and Recovery Structures.  I think I can do that.  LOL  Okay, I'll stop short of saying I will do that.  But only just!   I envision a web of Nut-house Salons around the country, linked via the Internet.  I know I'm not the only Client interested in Integral!!  LOL  Oh, the irony dripping off that sentence!  I suspect many integralers are some of the most insidiously insane people on the planet.  Like many artists.  We are pointedly driven and conspicuously pruned to grow into a certain shape and crevice.  Why the hell would people want to develop this way?  It hurts!!  Jesus!  But hurts more, bothers less.  Eventually.

I was commenting on a blog the other day and started thinking about whether Borderline is a sort of evolutionary mutation.  Like Asperger's is often thought of.  What if human beings begin to simply not develop an unconscious?  Like a tail.  What if we lose it because our balance is contained by some other unforeseen adaptation?  Like a Manx cat hops with it's hind legs almost bunny-like to maintain the sense of balance.  What if that were to start happening on a large scale so that people would HAVE TO learn to parent better and be more responsible for the protection and care of young. 

In the past, evolution favored mutating away from vulnerability.  The law of the jungle required that.  But we have a different law now.  What does this new law require?  What if vulnerability went with increased sensitivity and awareness because the new law required that?  We're gonna get mashed up in the machine for a while until...   what?  Critical mass?  Like Ghandi's law?  Enough bodies pile up and finally the world's attention is drawn to the Brutality rather than the Glory and Order. 

Isn't this exactly what Hitler wanted to regress back away from?  The tolerance of vulnerability?  He favored the Law of the Jungle so as to strengthen the human race again because our progress was being slowed down by the weak.  Why else would that be a bad thing unless the weak had some hidden gift to give - besides the opportunity for the rest of us to be slowed down by them?

How's that for a reconceptualization?

Midnight, full-moon, pre-menstrual thoughts.

Maybe you'll guess.

I'm surfing the weird science of my mind.  I haven't done this in 20 years. 

I'm playing some relatively new Alice Cooper for my son.  Alice is amazing.  Do you realize he is 60 years old?  You know what that means, don't you?  60 years old is a Rock Star.  Not the other way around.  Alice Cooper has permanently disconnected the identity of "Rock Star" from youth.  Imagine 50 years from now when our grand children will associate Rock Stars with the geriatric crowd, like we associate Jackie Gleason and the Honeymooners with them now.  Have you ever felt an association disconnect like that before?  I just realized that I can hear so much better like this.  My brain is processing very differently.  This is what I was thinking about while I was trying to make dinner.  I managed to cook chicken and baked potatoes and create two salads with different kinds of dressing and serve up without causing something scary to happen.  That was amazing.  Anyhow, as I was saying...   I was cooking dinner and the surfing came to the topic of if it was the neurotransmitters or the location in the brain that created these effects.  The effect of the moment back then was paranoia.  Oh, Marilyn Manson now.  The Beautiful People.  God, I love this lyric.  Then I realized that every time I get like this, I land on the topic of neurotransmitters.  And I revisited the question of why that is.  Why is that?  Because here I am again. 

So what is the debatable topic?  Because what I'm doing right now is totally legal and reallyfreakingharmless.  I'm thinking fairly randomly.  When don't we do that? 

And when I thought of whether it was the neurotransmitters or the location I also thought of something else which caused me to think about thinking.  My state shifted.  Randomly. 

A little while ago, I also realized that I could hear in a different way.  I am listening to Tears For Fears now and clearly hearing the instruments or the voices more separately than I usually do.  I could pick out way more lyrics without having to read along.  Even from the other room.  So it's not about which position I have the speakers in.  Oh, dear.  Donnie Darko Soundtrack.  How wonderful is this? I'm enjoying music.  How debatable is that?  Opeth may be debatable, but not enjoying music.  No.  Actually, I love Opeth.  So does my son. 

Oh, here's another fun rabbit hole.  My son played a song for me tonight.  It's by Immortal Technique.  You can hear him on MySpace.  Shit!  Did I just write that?  Oh, I'm so busted!  LOL  Yeah.  Okay.  We all do that, right?  We all check out peoples' MySpace Pages too.  Right?!  Anyway, this guy is sick.  As in OMG-Great.  He get's irritated if you call it rap, tho.  So just don't.  He's the Artist-Usually-Mistaken-As-Rap.  That's about as close as I'll dare get.  Amazing.  It reminded me of a friend of mine I met on a trip some months back.  Someone magical.  I may have written about him.  He performed some of his work for me while we were on that trip.  He's one of the most gracefully traumatized individuals I've ever met.  I still day-dream about him.  You just don't see more beautiful people on the world.  So, now it's that song, "Closure".  OMG  Even while I'm crunching on a carrot, I can hear more details.  Do you know that one of our Participants picked out several months ago that Dick Dale's "Misirlou" is Turkish folk dance music?  I knew that.  I didn't think very few people knew that!  It freaked me out!  Why the hell would that freak me out when I wasn't even like this?  Or is it that I'm projecting my current state on myself in the past.  Am I really freaked out now, but wasn't then?

And here I am again.

How debatable is this?

I got a hug yesterday.  His lips were on my neck.  It was from one of our Participants.  It confirmed a connection that I had sensed on another level.  He is one of the few men who understand how to connect with a woman.  Some people think homeless people are stupid.  Most have no clue.  These people are amazing.  And we may have a better chance if all the wealthy and housed people were to strangely die off and the human cock-roaches of the earth lived on to build up the next speices.  You think I'm kidding.  They understand community and how to survive in the urban jungle as sophisticated animals.  But, they require prey.  So, if their food source died, they probably wouldn't make it either.  I don't know.  It's a toss-up.  So, this man.  He's in his 60's or 70's.  Has a weakness for...  oh, wait.  That's too big a hint.  Nevermind.  He's amazing too.  There's so much I want to say, but won't.  The bubble might pop.  Bubbles need tension.  But not too much.  Bubbles are good. 

Freakin' Dick Dale, man.  Shit!  I wonder if he tied weights to his fingers like metal players do now. 

I'm sure I could go on and on.  Forever.  But the example is set. 

Awareness of awareness.  I was acutally discussing it with the b/f last night.  And he understood what I was talking about.  Oh!  I remember the amazingest thing I thought of while cooking dinner!  What if the whole expanded awareness thing was simply a metta-version of whatever we've been doing up to this point?  I think I remember that in the Cosmic String theory.  This would be what I'd imagine infinite spirals inward to entail.  Folded is how they described it, but I don't know if that really does it justice.  Difficult.  Would that be the Actual 5th Dimension?  Or are there more? 

Oh, dear.  Yes, when this isn't under control, it's silly.  Fun, and silly.  Lord, knows that debatable!  I seriously wonder what creates this.  How does it work?  Why do we sometimes get paranoid?  How is it that everything can be played with?  Everything.  The consciousness as "play" and the Universe as "toy".  I've heard so many ways to describe it.  One of the most frustrating ones is emptiness vs. form.  I just can't get it straight.  It's so unnatural.  Ripples vs. Water.  Water vs. Reflection. 

My boss resigned this week.  And we're not getting anymore funding next fiscal.  I am going to give it a valiant fight to raise up a totally new animal in place of what I've been doing over the last year and a half.  If I lose it, I lose it.  Or should I have said that I'm going to play with a totally new toy after this one finally breaks.  Like a skate deck after too many rail rides.  If I fall and break my collar-bone, I fall and break my collar-bone.  Oh, wait.  That could hurt. 

Gee, I see why this could be a bit debatable.  But then, when don't we minimize damage that we do when we risk? 

I thought long and hard tonight about whether or not to record this.  It's anonymous enough to keep me safe.  And ambiguous enough to keep others safe.  If I should put myself out there, this will be over before I make enemies desperate enough to use this.  That's how I got onto paranoia. 

And the rest is history.