The Dark Knight

I went to see it last night with my daughter and one of her friends.  It hit a little close to home. 

I'm taking risks in my work.  Big risks.  It scared my former boss so much that he couldn't speak to me about it without losing his composure.  I guess I'm what you call a "Loose Canon".  It's the PTSD pattern of not really ever being able to leave the field of battle.  My pain, fear and anger are such that even though I can Witness them, I cannot stop them from arising.  Yet.  They arise and dissipate.  But when it arises, it is a hurricane.  I still have to ride it out.  If I can learn to steer that hurricane over to something that needs to be decimated, then that may be the least non-skillful thing I can do right now.  Esp. when it has reached Level 5. 

If I could deal with the education system, I'd make a really great lawyer.  I'd be rich.  But I can't, so I won't.  And I'm not.  It's hard to find something at this economic level that it's okay for me to destroy.  I feel sorry for my kids and anyone who would want to be my lover right now.  LOL  I have this thin veneer of beauty and delicacy that barely covers a Monster.  And that Monster is protecting a vulnerable child.  Not destroying myself or someone/something else is full-time work.  And it's hard work.  And ever since my boss resigned, it's been my work, instead of his.  THANK GOD!! 

I was marvelling this afternoon at how wonderful recovery and developmental growth is.  God, it's beautiful!  I have been able to transcend to a higher level of gentlness and prudence precisely because I have integrated my impulse to destroy.  I have destroyed things.  I have destroyed some things which needed to be destroyed and were surrounded by other things which needed to survive.  And I have destroyed some things which can be repaired.  All in all, I have managed to prevent alot of colateral and permanent damage.  That's hard work.  And it's alot better than the way it used to be.  I used to have zero control over the destruction.  Of course, I ended up with the lion's share of the consequences of that.  I'm the one I hurt the most.  But that's how it goes when you have no control. 

I love it that now the one who contends with me about my destructiveness is me and no one else.  I may have to enter into negotiations with others, but I have achieved my victory, and can now surrender uncoerced.  That is a really beautiful responsibility.  And I don't know how else it can be accomplished for someone as damaged as I have been, without first utterly defeating my opponent - with my eyes open.  Nothing will expose the nerve endings of my conscience to the fact that I have a deep and infinite obligation to only use my powers for good than to finally stand alone at the top of the mountain and roar. 

I have to be so careful.  People's lives and livelihoods are in my hand.  I have to be careful.  And if someone needs to be punished by an unjust and stupid law that is directly contributing to the destruction and possible deaths of people with mental illness, then I will have to step up.  And even if this impulse of mine wants to serve only the Good, True and Beautiful, I will have to accept that those who only know how to abide by laws will want to consider me Evil, Dishonest and Corrupted. 

I feel so alone.  And yet I cannot slow this whirlwind...

...yet